I’ve developed a nice little routine where I go for a walk after work in the sunshine, get my 10,000 steps in, be healthy and shit. Come home, make meself some kingclip [1], rice and broccoli, and wash it all down with a tall glass of H20. I try my hardest not to crack open one of my hundreds of bottles of red wine that I purchased during the prohibition [2], and maybe read a book [3], or watch the Queens gambit [4] on Netflix if I’m feeling lazy. That’s not what happened on Tuesday.
As mentioned in my previous post, A fella from the North of England called Brian arrived one week ago. He likes his sauce [5], and as some of you may have picked up on, so do I. We’ve both been swiping away on the tinder and the bumble, matching mostly females of the darker complexion. Yesterday I had planned to go for a nice walk, maybe do a bit of shopping, come home, attend my online Russian class, watch the United game and get my head down, saucelessly. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, this is not what happened.
On Monday night Cyril [6] came on the telly and made a “family announcement”. He’d only gone and lifted the booze ban, relaxed the curfew from 9pm to 11pm and basically gave everyone back their freedom. I was not planning on boozing despite this, I was going to be a good boy.
Brian text me at around 4pm “are we still going for a walk at 5ish mate?”. “Aye” Said me.
I’d been chatting to a tinder slag throughout the day that I had matched a couple of days ago. I stopped texting her because I was getting tranny vibes from her. But then my leads were drying up, so I picked up the texting again, we exchanged WhatsApps and I invited her out for Wednesday evening, after I would have completed two whole days off the sauce. She replied instantly “I’m leaving Cape Town in the morning, I won’t be back for a month, it’s now or never”. FUCK.
I scrolled through her tinder pictures again, tall, slim, more brown than black, but there was something in her face, it was a bit too chiselled. I replied “I’m going for a walk with my friend now, I’ll let you know in a bit”.
Brian and I got our strides on, it was a nice 20-minute stroll over to the waterfront area, in the 30 degree sweltering heat. My balls had worked up a chaffing sweat by the time we arrived. We were hoping it would be busy and we could get some sets in. It was dead. Shortly after our arrival there, at around 6pm, Brian suggests “Shall we sample some sauce from one of these fine looking establishments?”…..
“AWWWWWWWW BRIAN, you’re very convincing! Just one!”
Two pints later, I text the tinder tranny to find out where she/he/it was, let’s call him Mick. I was not going to my Russian class anymore. Mick was in another part of town, with a fella who was gay. They were about 15 minutes away in a cab. By this point, I was registering no red flags whatsoever.
“Fuck it Brian, let’s go see if this he is a she, you mind occupying the gay fella?”
“ROY, I’ll do it, only if you write a blog post about it, this is going to be a great story. No one cares when you bang a hot girl, we wanna hear the SQUALOR!!”.
“OK, deal”.
Brian was also intrigued to find out if Mick wasn’t a Mick. Off we went.
We arrived at a very busy bar on the beach. People were getting loose with their newfound freedom, there was loadsa hot birds getting pissed up. It was amazing, but also discouraging, because I had arrived to potentially meet a tranny and a gay fella.
Upon entry we were told we’d have to go on a waiting list because it was too busy. I text Mick “we can’t get in, there’s a big waiting list.”
“Hang on, I’ll come get you” Said Mick.
I gulped, and simultaneously wondered if Mick had an Adams apple.
A few seconds later a very pretty brown girl, tall, with wide hips and a pretty face emerged from the ruckus and said…
“ROOOOY?!” in a very feminine voice and a big embrace.
The relief was immense, she was a genuinely hot girl, a solid mid to high 7. I nearly turned round and high fived Brian, but I kept my cool.
This is an appropriate point to transition Mick to Michaela. Michaela led Brian and I into the bar. I sat beside her, and Brain sat close to the fella. He did a sterling job of winging whilst I got through all the comfort fluff. It was a bit messy from here on in, shots, wine, vodka, cigarettes, hookahs and ribs were all involved.
We all jumped in an uber and went to another bar about an hour later. Michaela seemed to know everyone in this bar and made a point of pointing out her ex-boyfriend, a handsome white fella sitting across the bar. I didn’t give a fuck; I was in full on douchebag mode and proceeded to take the piss out of her relentlessly.
Michaela was 23, studying law as well as a working part-time as a hostess at a posh restaurant. She also did “modelling” and was a mother of one child. She had a lot going on and was a genuinely nice girl, she didn’t deserve my douchebaggery. But boy, did she get it.
They called last orders at 10pm and Michaela was more than happy to jump in a cab back to mine. We carried on drinking wine and the sex was great, we were at it until around 5am when I finally collapsed in a drunken, tired, sweaty mess. Apparently, we’d had an argument, because when Michaela woke me up at 7am she told me “I never want to see you again, you are a HORRIBLE person!”.
“Wow, wow, wow, stop the bus! What did I do?”
“You don’t remember?!”
“Are you upset because I didn’t use a condom the last time?!” When will I ever learn?
“NOT THAT! OH MY GOD, YOU DON’T REMEMBER!! I’M LEAVING NOW”.
Michaela ordered a cab and got her shit together.
“So you’re really not going to tell me what I did?”
“OH, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU”
The red mist descended…. “OK, have you got all your things?” I asked.
“I think so”.
I opened the front door and screamed at her “GET THE FUCK OUT, NOW!!”
“OMG, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!”
“LEAVE!!”.
She shuffled out and I slammed the door behind her and locked it.
I cooled down after 10 minutes and started to feel bad, what had I said to the poor girl? Why did I kick her out like that? I still don’t have the answers. I text her and called her, I tried to calm her down, she told me that I was the worst human being she’d ever met, I was a snake. I seemed so nice then I just completely flipped.
I think I need to quit drinking boys, or at least slow down. This game is an addiction, and I am currently all in.
[1] A local South African fish that is bloody lovely, similar to Cod.
[2] They’ve since lifted the booze ban.
[3] I’ve been “reading” the same book for nearly a year.
[4] That wee red head is feisty, I’d definitely open her. I’d probably say fancy a drink, and she’d just say yes, cos she loves drinking.
[5] Sauce is an affectionate term for alcohol.
[6] The big chief.
roywalkerdaygame 