Lay Report: Another Polish Girl

That’ll do

They’re like buses, Polish girls. None for ages, then two come along in quick succession…

It was a Tuesday evening; I’d just finished work and I was walking from Nowy Swiat up Chmielna to meet a bed bugs ridden Nick Krauser. I’d barely been doing any sets, 1 or 2 a day max for the previous week. There just wasn’t much about. But as I approached the zebra crossing halfway up Chmielna, I spotted a little minx with dirty blond hair, librarian glasses and a blue figure-hugging dress.

There was no IOI, I don’t get many in this town. I let her pass me by to check out her back side, the hip to waist ratio was to my liking so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. I got in front and she exploded with nervous energy upon delivery of my opener.

“This look you’ve got going on, the dress really suits you, but converse, really?” Said me.

“hahaha, it’s my favourite dress and I love my converse” Explained Paula.

She couldn’t stand still, she was all over the place, I couldn’t tell if she was trying to get away or just overcome with nerves.

“Are you in a hurry to leave or something? You can’t stand still!” – Say what you see TM

“No, I was just on my way to get some bubble tea, I loooooooove bubble tea” said Paula.

She looked young, and I was concerned that she might be underage – the typical clientele I normally see entering bubble tea establishments are schoolies and Asians.

“So, what do you do here in Warsaw?” I asked to calm her down.

“I’m working”

“Oh, you’re not a student?”

“No, I work full time, what about you, what are you doing here?”

I told her my story and that I was heading off to meet a friend, but that we should get a drink later. I went for the number, but she only offered her Instagram. Off I went thinking that it was probably another flake, I’d had many sets like this up to this point.

I pinged her that evening and was surprised when she responded very quickly. I had a live lead.

The next day I invited her out and she said that she was working late, but offered to meet me on Thursday instead, she would finish work at 9pm and then she would have 2 weeks’ vacation so she would have lots of free time. She text during the day on Thursday asking if we could meet at 11pm. On a normal jaunt I wouldn’t bat an eye lid at this suggestion, if a girl wants to meet late at night, it usually means sex. But I had work in the morning. Of course, I decided that my career was way less important than banging YHT, so I agreed.

Paula turned up in a white baggy t-shirt, white dungarees, and her converse…

“Where’s the dress?!” Said an unimpressed me.

Paula tried to grab the frame right away, “It’s dirty, let’s go for a walk to the river”

“Nah, it’s too far, let’s go for a little walk, then I’ll take you for a drink” I reasoned.

We walked to the end of Nowy Swiat and back, and then I dragged her to a table at Cava as we passed it… “come on, this place is nice”.

I found out that Paula was 21, I told her I was 32 [1]. I was the oldest guy she’d ever been on a date with. We spoke about astrology, family, hobbies, all the usual comfort fluff. Paula had a habit of disagreeing with almost everything I said, despite her having no idea what she was talking about.

“When I lived in South Africa, I used to kite surf in the ocean which was infested with great white sharks – I couldn’t even swim” Said me, which was a true story I often tell girls to display how stupid brave I am.

“Yeah, but sharks don’t eat people, so you weren’t in any danger” said Paula.

“Oh, you’ve BEEN there, have you?”

“No, I read about it somewhere”

“WELL, I was called off the water several times by lifeguards after someone had been bitten. Sharks will eat anything if they’re hungry” Said me – this is also true.

I had to put her in her place several times like this before she started behaving. After this I took her to a whiskey bar, and we sat beside each other on a couch upstairs.

We played the questions game; I’ve started reintroducing this lately as I’ve been over-confident and winging it far too much on dates. I found out that Paula had 6 previous sexual partners, she never had a relationship longer than 3 months, she didn’t have a lot of friends, she hadn’t seen her dad since she was 6 years old. Everything she told me screamed “I WILL FUCK YOU, JUST DON’T FUCK IT UP”.

It was pushing 2am now and I had to be up for work in the morning. However, one of the best things about working remotely in a time zone that is an hour ahead of the UK, is that you get an extra hour in bed. I only really had to switch my laptop on at 10am, and then make myself look presentable for my first video conference at 11am.

I settled the bill and walked Paula in the direction of my apartment – she wouldn’t come in.

“Let’s go to the river” said Paula.

“No, it’s late and I have work in the morning. I’ll take you to the river next time. Just come in for a little while”

She stood there saying nothing, so I took her hand and led the way. She knew what was about to happen. Paula took her shoes off upon entry to the flat without being asked, I thought “YES, this is going to be easy”. It wasn’t. An hour went by where she refused any escalation further than kissing.

At around 3am, I gave up and told her I was going to bed and that she was welcome to stay over. I stripped down to my underwear and to my surprise she did the same. She was hiding a cracking little figure underneath the dungarees. She sported a surprisingly large pair boobs for a slim girl, a tiny waist and a there was plenty of meat on her bum cheeks. Within moments I was fingering her, and she was wanking me off. All pre-tense had been dropped.

I slapped a condom on and proceeded to bang her for two hours straight. The combination of the Cialis [2] that I had popped just before the date and her cracking little body kept me going. Paula came three times, including when she squirted all over the kitchen floor when I was banging her over the counter. She was a horny little minx. I didn’t cum and Paula was not impressed by this, so she insisted on trying to make it happen for another couple of hours. It did not. I collapsed in a heap at around 7am and awoke at 9am for the day’s work. It wasn’t my most productive day at “the office”.

Paula is a genuinely nice, hot young girl who is 15 years my junior. I’ve since met her again and I did indeed take her to the river. I’m even planning a little trip up to the coast with her this coming weekend. But that will probably be the last time I see her, I don’t see anything long term in it, this was a lay of lust, like almost all the rest of the girls I’ve banged down the years.

[1] I told her my real age when I met her again a few days later. She started crying and couldn’t believe I’d been so dishonest with her.

[2] This is both a blessing and a curse, as she now expects these performance levels every time, and I quite frankly am very lazy when it comes to banging a vagina more than once.

Lay Report: SDL in Poland

She was actually very similar to this, just a bit shorter.

I have been in Warsaw for a month now [1] taking advantage of the ability to work remotely. While it ain’t exactly pussy paradise, it is a lot better than London was a month ago [2]. The streets are bustling, the girls are pretty, the weather is nice, and the food and beer are cheap.

Over the past month I have done 60 sets, closing 25 of them, dating 8 and banging 1 (2 including this one). All the rest either flaked straight away or on the date request. One pattern that I noticed, was that I was not having ANY luck with the Polish women. They’d reply most of the time but getting them out was harder than my penis after a few days on Cialis [3]. It was becoming evident that the only way I was going to bang one of em’ was to negate the texting part, so that’s what I did…

It was around 4pm on another sunny Sunday afternoon, and I was sitting having another alcoholic beverage, beer this time, on Nowy Swiat with Nick and some of the resident gamers. I’d done one set so far that day and I wasn’t feeling very motivated to approach, I was happy with my lot, life was good. Most of the guys had got up to leave and just Mr M and I remained. He was telling me that he was going home soon, so with this in mind I was getting mentally prepared to hit the streets.

I spotted a short bronze looking girl with long brown hair down past her bum, a tight black boob tube and denim short shorts walking extremely fast on the other side of the road, she looked like a little Tasmanian devil…

“Look at that wee slapper racing down the street” said me.

“She looks nice, go for it mate, I’m gonna head off now anyway” said Mr M.

I needed no further encouragement, up I got and made chase.

I got in front of her directly outside the Ukrainian wine bar (the same place where the Belarusian opened me in the previous report). I can’t quite remember what I said, it was probably something about her not looking typically Polish with her ridiculously tanned skin and the hair down past her bum. I could see that she was getting nervous as quite a few heads that were drinking in the wine bar turned in our direction. I asked her where she was running to, just towards the Old town, said her. It turned out that she wasn’t in a hurry, she was just a really, really fast walker. I walked with her, shock, horror! Not because I’m a chode, but because I could see the spotlight effect was spoiling the set for her.

As we walked and talked, I found out that she was on the last few days of her Summer vacation and was looking to have some “fun”. DING, DING-A-LING went the SDL bells in my head.

Marina had a great vibe about her, she was an infectious little ball of energy. She was about 5’4” and was into her sports. She had a thicker frame than I’d usually go for, but there wasn’t much fat on her, she was short and toned, but there was something very sexy about her. I decided quite early on that I definitely wanted to bang her.

We walked to the Old town and I told her “It would be sacrilege to meet an Irish man and not go to an Irish bar with him.” She agreed, so we went upstairs to the Irish bar and drank some Guinness.

After this I walked us back in the direction of the Ukrainian bar, which also happened to be a lot closer to my flat. We stood outside with our drinks and I realised out of the corner of my eye, that the Belarusian was at the table behind us with another guy and was looking directly in our direction. “What a little whore!” thought me, before realising that she was probably having similar thoughts about me. I was sure that she was going to confront me and ruin the set, she was a loose cannon. But she didn’t. I saw her walking off arm in arm with the guy a few minutes later. Phew!

Not much else exciting happened after this, I took Marina to a whiskey bar to escalate on a couch and she was kissing me quickly. Soon after this I bounced her to the flat and after lots of indecisiveness on her part, I finally banged her at around 3am.

I walked her to the train station the next morning so that I could get back and start working. I didn’t expect to hear from her again, but a few hours later I got some very distressed messages from her, she was certain that she was pregnant. I reminded her that I used THREE condoms and never put my bare little penis in her vagina once. But she still wasn’t convinced. Long story short, I had to send her some money so that she could go and get the morning after pill. What a palaver, and with that she ruined any slim chance of me contacting her again.

[1] Except for 3 days when I had to go back to London for work.

[2] Although I have heard reports that it’s getting better. I mean, even me old mate Xants got laid from a recent daygame set!

[3] I have actually started taking Cialis, and I have been walking around with boners ALL day.

Lay Report: A Crazy Belarusian

Imagine this, and then imagine nothing like this.

I recently tweeted about my first lay in what felt like a million years and it got a bit of attention from the Twitteratzi. Apparently one lay from 35 sets is awful, in fact I shouldn’t even be cold approaching, that’s for losers. Well what I did not mention in that tweet is that this girl OPENED ME and all I had to do was hang in there…

Last weekend I was out with Mr R. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon and I didn’t have a care in the world despite being in Warsaw for over a week and not having a sniff of anything. We were stood outside a bar on Nowy Swiat at around 6pm having a well-deserved glass of wine after a long day of walking around barely doing any sets. I was feeling rough as a badger’s backside having partied until 6am with a resident crazy Irishman and a quagmire of Polish stragglers that we picked up along the way. But as soon as the sweet alcoholic tannins caressed my oesophagus, my vibe began to improve. I can’t quite remember what we were discussing, but it was something along the lines of;

“Aaaah, that’s better” said me as I gulped down the first delicious sip of wine, already thinking about buying another round.

“I’m telling you, life is actually really hard here” said Mr R.

Then out of nowhere a short little dirty blonde-haired girl appeared and asked if she could use my lighter, before proceeding to pick it up and light her cigarette WITHOUT waiting for my permission. “What a cheeky little so and so”, thought me.

I sized her up – she was slim, but well proportioned, she wore a green silk dress and was covered in tattoos. She had quite a few piercings and annoyingly had one of those septum things on her snout. I examined her face, it was young, she looked about 18 (she turned out to be 23), not the prettiest, but there was something about her. I looked her dead in the eyes, I’d seen those eyes before. Unfocused, darting about all over the place without displaying any real emotion. That was it, this girl was BAT SHIT CRAZY. Time to fire up the old engines…

“How dare you, young lady! Did your mother not learn you manners?!” Said me.

I don’t remember much of the conversation after this, but I found out her name was Alina, she was from Belarus and had been living in Poland for a few years. I got her number and I pinged her an hour or so later, she was quick on the replies. We agreed to meet later that evening, she would text me when she was free.

Rather than wait around like a chode, I decided to meet up with a couple of Danish brothers for a beer on Nowy Swiat. Eventually Alina joined us at around 9pm. We all had a drink together and she was very chatty to the other two as I took a back seat in the conversation – the night before was starting to catch up with me. One of the Danes (who was also a daygamer) picked up on this and didn’t want to tread on my toes, so he excused himself and his brother. Good lad.

Alina and I finished our drinks and we went for a walk. I walked her in the direction of my apartment and when we got to the front door, she refused to come in. We walked a bit more and Alina announced that she was going to meet some friends to party, we should meet another time. This was music to my ears as I felt I could collapse from exhaustion at any moment.

We went for drinks the next evening to a posh wine/coffee bar and then to a shisha bar. It became obvious why this girl was crazy as she explained some of her issues to me, and yes, some of them were of the daddy variety. She was a strange cocktail of a self-obsessed, know-it-all type of girl, but at the same time she was trying to please everyone else. Both the previous evening and this one she had made plans to meet friends for birthday parties straight after. I recall telling her that she didn’t have to go to every social event she was invited to – “these people got me through some very dark times, I owe them this” said Alina. I didn’t press the matter, because she didn’t seem the type to take advice, she really thought she knew it all. I got her back to the flat that evening, we kissed and fooled around on the bed. “I don’t have sex this quickly, I only met you yesterday”. Soon after this she left and I wasn’t too bothered as it was now getting very late and I had to be up for work in the morning.

Alina messaged the next day asking if I was free at 10pm. I already had a date lined up with a Turkish girl I idated the day before. I told her I’d let her know. My date with the Turk was going well, but not so well that I was going to get laid that night. At around 9.30pm I asked the Turk when she had to be home, she told me she was having fun and wanted to stay out until 11pm. FUCK.

At 10pm Alina called me, my phone was on the table in full view of the Turk and I’m sure she saw “ALINA” in huge letters on the screen. I quickly turned the phone face down; the Turk smiled and didn’t say anything. When she got up to go to the toilet I text Alina telling her I wasn’t going to make it. She replied quickly, saying that she had travelled to the centre in the rain (a huge storm had just hit) to see me. I didn’t respond.

I stayed with the Turk until the storm passed and I got a peck on the lips for my efforts at the end. She is still a live lead and will probably take a few dates, but she’s hot and doesn’t seem broken, so hopefully it will be worth it.

I pinged Alina the next day asking if she was free that evening (it’s now Wednesday). She said she would let me know later. I hate that response, I felt like replying with “just give me a yes or a no, BITCH!”. Then I remembered I had sent her the exact same response the previous day. I replied “ok”.

After lots of pissing about over text, we agreed to meet at 9pm. She had already told me that she was only free until 11pm as she’d agreed to go to yet another party afterwards. Alina eventually turned up in a nice lacy black dress and black boots. She gave me a huge hug without apologising for being late. I scolded her, “Nice of you to let me know you’re running late”.

“Sorry, my life is such a mess right now, you don’t even want to know”. Said Alina.

She was correct.

I walked us straight to my apartment which was about 50m from the meeting point and she didn’t raise any objections, we both knew that this was “the sex date”.

We got inside, took our shoes off, I poured drinks and we stood on the balcony smoking cigarettes. Every time I went to escalate further than kissing she would pull away. Perhaps it wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought. Alina sat on my lap at my work desk and we watched youtube videos for half an hour or so before she excused herself to go to the toilet.

It was now pushing 10:30 and she was planning on leaving at 11. I lay fully dressed on the bed, pondering which move to make next. Then Alina came out of the bathroom WITHOUT her dress on. She was wearing a lacy black bra and underwear and all of her tattoos were now in full view. She walked over to me, got on top and started kissing me whilst biting my lip hard. I pushed her back and removed her bra, I was pleasantly surprised to see that her breasts looked bigger without the bra on. I’d say they were a large B cup, and very perky. After a few minutes of dry humping, I pushed her off me, pulled off my jeans and boxers in one fell swoop and pushed her head down.

Alina gave me one of the best blowjobs I’ve had in a long time (well, I haven’t had ANY in a long time) and she had a strange fascination with sucking my nut sack, I wasn’t sure if I liked it, but I let her carry on for a while. Quite a bit of pre-cum was now dribbling out and I was concerned I was going to blow my load so I pulled her up.

“take off your underwear” said me.

We both got fully naked and messed around a bit before she got up, walked around the bed to her handbag and pulled out a condom.

“Oh, you brought your own?!” Said me.

“I don’t trust men” Said Alina.

“Fair enough”

I lay on my back again whilst she opened the condom, it was one of those scented ones.

Alina slid it on my cock, which was about erupt at any moment, the poor little fucker hadn’t seen this much action in almost 6 months. She jumped straight on and proceeded to gyrate up and down, after about 10 strokes I was about blow. I went to push her off…

“I’m gonna cum VERY soon” said me.

“I don’t mind” said Alina as she carried on riding.

Seconds later I blew my load. It couldn’t have been much more than 30 seconds, 1 minute maximum from the moment she put the condom on, to ejaculation. I didn’t really care, I was happy to finally get my end away. But I was intrigued…

“So, you don’t enjoy sex or what?” asked me.

“It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, I just don’t feel anything because of the anti-depressants” said Alina.

“Oh” said me, in a comforting tone.

“Plus, I felt like you deserved it after making you wait” Said Alina.

“OK”.  She had a fair point.

“And I have to go to this party now, so I didn’t have much time, but maybe next time we can go for longer” Said Alina.


Moments later she got dressed, used the bathroom, and let herself out just before 11pm.

I lay there on the bed reflecting. “This girl opened me, she basically held the frame the whole way through, all I did, was be there. During the dates she did most of the talking, I barely got a word in edgeways. Yes, I escalated when I had to, but the sex happened when I literally laid back and did nothing.  Crazy Belarusians… wait, Belarus!…I don’t think I have that flag, I’d better check my blog [1]”.

I didn’t have it.




[1] Yes, I check my own blog to remember which flags I have. If I were a proper mPUA, this would be a humble brag, having too many flags to remember em’ all. But my alcohol addled brain forgets what happened last week, never mind which flags I picked up 6 years ago.