Now for something completely different

What do you see?

I woke up on Saturday with a slight hangover (surprise!) having drunk most of a bottle of gin the night before whilst round at Xant’s for a game of poker. I had a date lined up that evening with a girl I was pretty sure I was going to bang so I was in good spirits. United were playing early against West Ham so me and a couple of the lads went to a local pub to watch. United were rubbish and we lost. Soon after this my date for the evening sent me a long rambly message explaining how she wasn’t ready to date anyone as she still wasn’t over her ex. Great – “this day can’t get much worse” thought me. But it did, it got a lot, lot worse – so bad that it was actually painful to write this post. But I persevered for my dear readers…

I hit the streets at around 3pm determined to get some fresh leads. I’d only done 12 sets so far in September and it was now the second last day of the month. I’ve been lackadaisical on the approaching front as I’ve been dating a few girls which will hopefully be converted to notches soon.

I met up with an old wing from Dublin and walked with him for an hour and didn’t see any sets to my liking. My wing had to go to work after an hour so I was now walking solo.

As I walked West on the South side of Oxford Street I saw a short blondie walk towards me. There was no IOI but she was walking slow, almost floating. I let her pass to check her out from behind; she was short, slim and had a peachy little butt.

I got in front of her and she freaked out a little jumping a step back as I did so. I told her to relax, I thought she looked cute and I just wanted to say hi – she dropped her guard. I found out Luka was born and raised in Ireland, her Mum was Irish but her Dad was Korean. This gave her a strange look; she was pale with big brown eyes and full pink lips. Every time I tried to hold eye contact with her she would look into my eyes intensely for a second before looking away. She couldn’t handle the excitement. Luka was very softly spoken and strangely had an American accent. I asked her why this was and she told me that it’s because she was home-schooled. She was bullied so badly as a child that her parents had to take her out of school [1]. Brilliant thought me – this girl is proper bonkers.

I carried on with my prattle whilst closely watching her body language, something was up because she kept looking everywhere but me;

Hey, I’m over here! Eye’s on the prize

Oh sorry, everyone is looking at us, I don’t like it

No-one is looking at us, but ok, how about we go get a coffee

OK, where?

There’s a Starbucks just up past Tottenham Court Road, Let’s go

I walked us to Starbucks and she followed. She had a caramel frappacino and I the usual black Americano. I told Luka to go sit while I got the coffees in and she sat at a high table on stools near the toilet. When I joined her we spoke about her awful tattoos and lack of piercings. Soon after this Luka asked if we could walk with our coffees because she felt like everyone was staring at her [2] to which I raised no objections. I led us in the direction of my apartment using the pretence that I would show her a different part of London. Everything was going swimmingly and I was now thinking only one thing – SAME DAY LAY.

As we walked back up Oxford Street I noticed a few people throwing IOI’s in Luka’s direction [3], wow, this girl must be really hot thought me. I led us up the back streets away from the crowds and we chatted about her plans for the rest of the evening – she didn’t have any but wanted to return to Oxford street to buy some shoes before the shops closed. Not bother said me. It was now around 4.30pm; maybe a bit early to start drinking but I proposed we get a real drink at the bar near mine nonetheless. She didn’t object. I got a beer and she had a glass of red wine. The bar was packed and there was nowhere to sit inside or out so we ended up stood by the railings in front of the bar.

As we drank we spoke about why we were both single. I found out Luka had four past boyfriends but they were all “fucked up in the head” [4]. I told her I had similar issues my ex-girlfriends but that my mother told me never to speak about such things on a first date. We eventually got a table outside and sat beside each other. As we spoke I started stroking her hair [5] and said that there was no way that this was her natural colour. Luka told me it was a weave. I thought this was a tad strange for a white girl [6] and Luka told me it’s very common in Korea and that she often changes the colour of her weave.

So what happens if I pull it really hard?

Nothing, try it

Maybe later. Said me with a cheeky smile [7]

As we got to the end of the drinks I gave Luka two choices;

  1. back to mine for some wine
  2. Another bar which was much cosier

Luka went for option 2 [8]. We sat at a couch downstairs, Luka went to sit opposite me but I insisted that she sit beside me. She reluctantly complied but folded her legs up and turned to face me so as to create a human barrier to escalation. As we chatted I stroked her calves and played with her hair [9] and she seemed to enjoy it. This was a basement bar, so it was dark even though it was still broad daylight outside. I can’t remember much of the conversation while we were there as all of it was overshadowed by the following sequence of events…

I’d decided that I was over two hours in and needed to try and kiss this girl. She was sat to my left so I put my left arm around her. Luka felt uncomfortable at first but soon became floppy. A few minutes later I grabbed her chin with my right thumb and forefinger and then it hit me. I felt the sharp prickle of stubble on her chin and instantly felt as if I had been submerged in a bucket of water and was slowly drowning. I could see Luka talking at me but I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. A little raging Roy jumped out of my body and looked down at my real self;


Maybe she’s just hairy like them Portuguese types, my Portuguese ex girlfriend was hairy… but hang on, she NEVER had stubble.

What the hell are you doing?!

This is a fucking man. A fucking man, I have just spent two hours trying to seduce a MAN!

Why didn’t you realise sooner?

I don’t know but it all makes sense now – no friends, everyone looking at her, being a bit weird, it was all right there in front of me.

But why didn’t she…. Not she, stop calling her a she… why didn’t IT tell you? Is this some kind of sick joke????

Ah fuck, I’d better sort this out

Raging Roy jumped back into my body and I came up for air. Luka was still rabbiting away but I hadn’t heard a word HE had said. I looked HIM dead in the eye and whilst trying my hardest to resist the urge to puke in HIS face I said the following;

Is… Is there something that you want to tell me?

What?? Oh, oh, I thought you knew. I thought you knew I was Trans!

No, I DID NOT. I do not try to have sex with MEN!

I thought you knew! And that’s why I didn’t want to go to your place; I didn’t want to freak you out.

Well consider me freaked.

Is this going to be a problem for you?

YES! I do not have sex with men, it’s wrong, it’s not what nature intended and tricking other men into thinking you’re a woman is most certainly not what nature intended!

I wasn’t trying to trick you

So you’ve clearly had a lot of work done, those lips aren’t real, your voice isn’t real… Do you still have a penis?

Yes, but I’m getting it removed very soon

Jesus… this explains everything… but hang-on you said you had 4 boyfriends, I’m assuming they knew?


And they were straight??


Haha – no they were not. They’re also sick

You are offending me now, I think I should go

Ok, goodbye

Luka quickly grabbed his shit and stormed up the steps leaving a full glass of wine on the table. I sat there bemused for about 20 minutes whilst I finished my beer… and then his wine. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and I didn’t know whether to laugh or puke everywhere. I went through it all over and over in my head and couldn’t believe how I’d missed so many clues. However, in my defence this was easily the most convincing tranny I have ever seen in my life. I’ve heard the trannies in Thailand are very convincing; I’ve never been and have no intention of ever going there to find out, but this girl was probably equally if not more convincing. I showed my friends a picture of it afterwards and none of them could believe it was a man.

As embarrassing as this story is, I’m so relieved that it didn’t go any further than it did. Be careful out there lads – bitches be men fronting as bitches.



Things I missed during the interaction which in hindsight are definite tranny flags;

[1] He probably dressed like a girl from a young age

[2] People probably WERE staring at it and I was somehow oblivious to it all. I often find that in daygame when I come out of a set. My wing will tell me I had an audience and I wouldn’t have even noticed. I’m in the moment not caring what anyone else thinks. This is the first time where this worked against me.

[3] They were thinking – “what the fuck is that tranny doing with such a handsome, normal looking guy?!”

[4] More like mentally ill

[5] I feel sick thinking about this

[6] It would be strange for a white girl, totally normal for a tranny though

[7] Eeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuwwwww, EEEEEEUUUUUUUWWWW!!!!

[8] Praise the lord that it said no to this

[9] Eeeeeeeuuuuuuw. You get the point – I’m amazed that I was still clueless right up to this point.