Lay Report: Crème de la crème

It was a wet and dreary Friday evening; Autumn was taking its grip on proceedings and Winter would be here soon enough to freeze all the vagina in the land. I was hungover from a night on the sauce with an old colleague and “worked from home” as a result that day. Mr S got home around 5ish and asked if I fancied going for dinner with him and Xants. My date for the evening had flaked for the third time even after some masterful text game from myself if I don’t say so myself, so I agreed to go along.

After filling our bellies at our favourite noodle-based establishment, we went to a pub called the white horse in Soho for a spot of drinking and fishing. It was the first time the three of us were out together in a few weeks, so we were in good spirits and had a laugh taking the piss out of each other.

Mr S got the first round in whilst Xant’s and I hovered behind him like Jews. I spotted a hot black girl at the other side of the bar ordering a drink. I tapped Xants on the shoulder “oooh I like that there black girl over there”…. “Oh no, Roy’s got that there jungle fever again!” said Xants to Mr S.

She was slim with long straight black hair, big lips and hips, and wore a white coat over a black corset looking thing which made her boobs pop out, I noticed that she was getting a lot of male attention from the rest of the bar. I assumed she was there with friends and didn’t pursue her. The lads and I took our drinks outside to watch the world go by and maybe even do a set if one took our fancy. We chatted away, Mr S was telling us his latest ground-breaking game theories, Xants was complaining about being crippled and I was telling the boys how I’d invented a new form of game – Queue game [1].

I was half-way down my pint when I noticed a black girl walk past us with purpose. “There’s that there girl from the bar” said Xants. I looked her up and down again and felt a bit excitement in my trouser area – I had to open. I sat my pint down on the ledge, turned to the boys – “See you tomorrow boys!” before making chase.

“Excuuuuuuuuse me…. I saw you back there…”

“What?.. Where?!”

“Well, actually I saw you in the bar, but I assumed you were with your friends”

“No, I like to come out alone”

“Oh ok, well I was going to say I thought you looked very pretty”

Suzy was slowly moving away from me as we talked. She wasn’t shy but she was clearly puzzled and looked at me as if to say “what’s going on here?” then sure enough…

“This is crazy, is this really happening, are you really telling me this on the street?”

“Yes… that’s not an English accent you’ve got there”

“No, I’m French” Said Suzy in an African accent.

“Oh, you mean you live in France?” Said an unconvinced me, must be one of these ‘New French’.

“No, I’m French, I was born in France”

“Oh, you don’t sound very French” She didn’t.

“Are you serious?!” Said a clearly offended Suzy.

Turned out Suzy was born in Marseille (the part with lots of ‘New French’), her dad was from Cameroon and her mum was Spanish. She was in London for an internship and had a degree in Fashion. I asked her what she was up to for the evening and she told me that she was just killing time until midnight when she would go to a nightclub with some friends. It was only around 7.30pm. With her guard now fully dropped I asked her if she’d like to get a drink with me, she asked if I was with my friends, I told her not to worry about them, I’d catch up with them later.

Off we went, Suzy was looking for a bar she wanted to go to but didn’t know the name, we walked for a few minutes and she couldn’t find it, so I took her to the John Snow pub instead. It was rammed full of Friday night revellers; I got the drinks in and we squeezed into a little cranny in the corner.

I found out Suzy was 23, had family back in Marseille and had a passion for movies. She loved to travel and had been to quite a few places during her fashion degree – she would go to all the places that have fashion week, she told me the places, but I have since forgotten. She was now in London to do an internship in events management or something like that. We basically had nothing in common, but there was mutual attraction and that’s all we needed.

I asked Suzy if she had ever been to Fitzrovia (my area), she hadn’t. I suggested we go there as we got towards the end of our drinks and she was keen. It took around 10 minutes to walk there and upon arrival she was very impressed with the area…

“ooooh, this is so much nicer than Soho, I will do my shoot here next week”

“You’re a model?”

“Only for fun, my friend is a photographer”

“Aaah, I see”

I took us straight to the underground speakeasy opposite my apartment where I know the owner/barman, Joe. Upon entry I noticed the place had been given a facelift with a new paint job and new furniture.

“Joe! Love what you’ve done with the place!”

“Ah thanks, Roy! Long time no see, who’s the lovely lady?”

We chatted for a few minutes before I chose two cocktails for Suzy and me. Unfortunately, all the good tables were booked so we sat at a high table on stools. It didn’t matter, Suzy was impressed that I knew the barman.

“Why do you know the bar man so well? You must bring a lot of girls here, huh?”

“I’ve been here a few times, yes”

When a girl accuses me of being a player, I never deny it, but I don’t openly admit it either, unless I’m exaggerating the fact.

It wasn’t possible to escalate at this bar, the music was loud, we were right in front of the bar and Joe kept talking to us, so we finished up and I suggested some wine on the rooftop. Suzy agreed. I got some wine at the local shop and as we opened the front door to my building…

“Wait, where are we going?”

“To the rooftop, the rooftop is on top of my apartment.”

“Oh noooo, you didn’t tell me this.”

“Just come up, I’ll get the glasses from my place and we will go to the roof”

“OK, but we’re not going to your apartment”


I did as I said I would, and we drank wine and listened to music on the rooftop. I went for the kiss after around 15 minutes and she rebuffed my attempt. It was now around 10pm and I was considering binning her off and re-joining the boys for a last drink, so I text them to see what they were up to and Mr S was already on his way home. “May as well stick it out then” thought me.

It started to rain so I told Suzy to come down to my apartment to get out of the rain. She agreed. We drank wine in the kitchen for a while and chatted to Mr S when he returned. After he went to bed, I managed to get Suzy into my bedroom. I kissed her properly on the bed, but she wouldn’t let me escalate any further.

“Let’s go for one more drink”

“Most places are closed”

“It’s London, somewhere must be open!”

I knew of plenty of places open, I just didn’t want to go out, but I reluctantly agreed to go for one more. We found a bar behind my apartment that was open til 2am. We had fun playing doubles at table tennis. I paired up with some other girl and Suzy paired up with some good-looking guy who was obviously hitting on her. He kept putting his arm around her waist and laughed at her every time she smacked the ball into lunar orbit – Suzy had the hand eye co-ordination of Stevie Wonder. The girl I paired up with turned and said to me “are you OK with that?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, he has no chance”

“Oh, Ok”

Moments later the girl I’d paired up with ran off to join her friends, Suzy ran around to my side of the table to join me and the guy that was hitting on her gave me a dirty look and walked off in a huff. Opponentless, Suzy and I returned to our drinks and made out quite heavily.

“Can I stay at your place? It will be difficult for me to get home now”

“OK, as long as you promise not to take advantage of me”

“hahaha, yeah, ok, whatever”

Back we went, Suzy asked for a t-shirt that she could wear to bed, I gave her one of my gym t-shirts. I stripped totally naked and jumped in bed beside her.

“I can’t believe you just got totally naked like that”

“This is how I normally sleep” this was a lie; I normally sleep in my boxers.

We both lay there, and I didn’t try to escalate. Sure enough, Suzy’s hand started to wander, and it eventually found my dick. She proceeded to wank me off and whispered in my ear…

“I won’t have sex with you tonight, but I have other… skills”

Suzy was not lying as she proceeded to give me one of the best blowjobs I’ve ever had, I always find black girls to be particularly talented in this department. I came in her mouth to reward her for her sterling effort, and she was only too glad to swallow.

I feebly tried to escalate once or twice, but I was too tired and rolled over and went to sleep.

We agreed to meet the following Sunday. She came out as agreed, I took her for food at a place near my apartment and then straight back to mine. No LMR this time, her clothes came straight off and I had her banged and was asleep by 11pm. I’m pretty certain she would have been a same day lay if her lady garden was suitably trimmed on the Friday, I recall having a rummage down there over the top of her underwear and it was like rubbing a mini Amazon. On the Sunday it was smooth as a baby’s bottom.

So, what did I learn from this experience? Nothing, but here’s some things you, my dear readers may have missed;

  • When a girl comes out on her own, she’s usually looking to get laid
  • Change the topic when the conversation isn’t going well
  • Don’t kiss her ass – if you don’t believe her about something, challenge her
  • Social proof is always good – get to know your local barman, or barista if you’re not an alkie like me
  • If a girl thinks you’re a player, let her. It’s a huge compliment
  • Sometimes her own obsession with personal hygiene will prevent you from getting laid, there’s not much you can do about this. I’d personally much rather bang a freshly shaven, sweet smelling vagina compared to a hairy sweaty one.


[1] This will be in my upcoming infield product which will be top, top, top secret. Only the crème de la crème of the PUA community will be granted access… If you think you’re crèmy enough, inbox me.