Imagine this, and then imagine nothing like this.

I recently tweeted about my first lay in what felt like a million years and it got a bit of attention from the Twitteratzi. Apparently one lay from 35 sets is awful, in fact I shouldn’t even be cold approaching, that’s for losers. Well what I did not mention in that tweet is that this girl OPENED ME and all I had to do was hang in there…

Last weekend I was out with Mr R. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon and I didn’t have a care in the world despite being in Warsaw for over a week and not having a sniff of anything. We were stood outside a bar on Nowy Swiat at around 6pm having a well-deserved glass of wine after a long day of walking around barely doing any sets. I was feeling rough as a badger’s backside having partied until 6am with a resident crazy Irishman and a quagmire of Polish stragglers that we picked up along the way. But as soon as the sweet alcoholic tannins caressed my oesophagus, my vibe began to improve. I can’t quite remember what we were discussing, but it was something along the lines of;

“Aaaah, that’s better” said me as I gulped down the first delicious sip of wine, already thinking about buying another round.

“I’m telling you, life is actually really hard here” said Mr R.

Then out of nowhere a short little dirty blonde-haired girl appeared and asked if she could use my lighter, before proceeding to pick it up and light her cigarette WITHOUT waiting for my permission. “What a cheeky little so and so”, thought me.

I sized her up – she was slim, but well proportioned, she wore a green silk dress and was covered in tattoos. She had quite a few piercings and annoyingly had one of those septum things on her snout. I examined her face, it was young, she looked about 18 (she turned out to be 23), not the prettiest, but there was something about her. I looked her dead in the eyes, I’d seen those eyes before. Unfocused, darting about all over the place without displaying any real emotion. That was it, this girl was BAT SHIT CRAZY. Time to fire up the old engines…

“How dare you, young lady! Did your mother not learn you manners?!” Said me.

I don’t remember much of the conversation after this, but I found out her name was Alina, she was from Belarus and had been living in Poland for a few years. I got her number and I pinged her an hour or so later, she was quick on the replies. We agreed to meet later that evening, she would text me when she was free.

Rather than wait around like a chode, I decided to meet up with a couple of Danish brothers for a beer on Nowy Swiat. Eventually Alina joined us at around 9pm. We all had a drink together and she was very chatty to the other two as I took a back seat in the conversation – the night before was starting to catch up with me. One of the Danes (who was also a daygamer) picked up on this and didn’t want to tread on my toes, so he excused himself and his brother. Good lad.

Alina and I finished our drinks and we went for a walk. I walked her in the direction of my apartment and when we got to the front door, she refused to come in. We walked a bit more and Alina announced that she was going to meet some friends to party, we should meet another time. This was music to my ears as I felt I could collapse from exhaustion at any moment.

We went for drinks the next evening to a posh wine/coffee bar and then to a shisha bar. It became obvious why this girl was crazy as she explained some of her issues to me, and yes, some of them were of the daddy variety. She was a strange cocktail of a self-obsessed, know-it-all type of girl, but at the same time she was trying to please everyone else. Both the previous evening and this one she had made plans to meet friends for birthday parties straight after. I recall telling her that she didn’t have to go to every social event she was invited to – “these people got me through some very dark times, I owe them this” said Alina. I didn’t press the matter, because she didn’t seem the type to take advice, she really thought she knew it all. I got her back to the flat that evening, we kissed and fooled around on the bed. “I don’t have sex this quickly, I only met you yesterday”. Soon after this she left and I wasn’t too bothered as it was now getting very late and I had to be up for work in the morning.

Alina messaged the next day asking if I was free at 10pm. I already had a date lined up with a Turkish girl I idated the day before. I told her I’d let her know. My date with the Turk was going well, but not so well that I was going to get laid that night. At around 9.30pm I asked the Turk when she had to be home, she told me she was having fun and wanted to stay out until 11pm. FUCK.

At 10pm Alina called me, my phone was on the table in full view of the Turk and I’m sure she saw “ALINA” in huge letters on the screen. I quickly turned the phone face down; the Turk smiled and didn’t say anything. When she got up to go to the toilet I text Alina telling her I wasn’t going to make it. She replied quickly, saying that she had travelled to the centre in the rain (a huge storm had just hit) to see me. I didn’t respond.

I stayed with the Turk until the storm passed and I got a peck on the lips for my efforts at the end. She is still a live lead and will probably take a few dates, but she’s hot and doesn’t seem broken, so hopefully it will be worth it.

I pinged Alina the next day asking if she was free that evening (it’s now Wednesday). She said she would let me know later. I hate that response, I felt like replying with “just give me a yes or a no, BITCH!”. Then I remembered I had sent her the exact same response the previous day. I replied “ok”.

After lots of pissing about over text, we agreed to meet at 9pm. She had already told me that she was only free until 11pm as she’d agreed to go to yet another party afterwards. Alina eventually turned up in a nice lacy black dress and black boots. She gave me a huge hug without apologising for being late. I scolded her, “Nice of you to let me know you’re running late”.

“Sorry, my life is such a mess right now, you don’t even want to know”. Said Alina.

She was correct.

I walked us straight to my apartment which was about 50m from the meeting point and she didn’t raise any objections, we both knew that this was “the sex date”.

We got inside, took our shoes off, I poured drinks and we stood on the balcony smoking cigarettes. Every time I went to escalate further than kissing she would pull away. Perhaps it wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought. Alina sat on my lap at my work desk and we watched youtube videos for half an hour or so before she excused herself to go to the toilet.

It was now pushing 10:30 and she was planning on leaving at 11. I lay fully dressed on the bed, pondering which move to make next. Then Alina came out of the bathroom WITHOUT her dress on. She was wearing a lacy black bra and underwear and all of her tattoos were now in full view. She walked over to me, got on top and started kissing me whilst biting my lip hard. I pushed her back and removed her bra, I was pleasantly surprised to see that her breasts looked bigger without the bra on. I’d say they were a large B cup, and very perky. After a few minutes of dry humping, I pushed her off me, pulled off my jeans and boxers in one fell swoop and pushed her head down.

Alina gave me one of the best blowjobs I’ve had in a long time (well, I haven’t had ANY in a long time) and she had a strange fascination with sucking my nut sack, I wasn’t sure if I liked it, but I let her carry on for a while. Quite a bit of pre-cum was now dribbling out and I was concerned I was going to blow my load so I pulled her up.

“take off your underwear” said me.

We both got fully naked and messed around a bit before she got up, walked around the bed to her handbag and pulled out a condom.

“Oh, you brought your own?!” Said me.

“I don’t trust men” Said Alina.

“Fair enough”

I lay on my back again whilst she opened the condom, it was one of those scented ones.

Alina slid it on my cock, which was about erupt at any moment, the poor little fucker hadn’t seen this much action in almost 6 months. She jumped straight on and proceeded to gyrate up and down, after about 10 strokes I was about blow. I went to push her off…

“I’m gonna cum VERY soon” said me.

“I don’t mind” said Alina as she carried on riding.

Seconds later I blew my load. It couldn’t have been much more than 30 seconds, 1 minute maximum from the moment she put the condom on, to ejaculation. I didn’t really care, I was happy to finally get my end away. But I was intrigued…

“So, you don’t enjoy sex or what?” asked me.

“It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, I just don’t feel anything because of the anti-depressants” said Alina.

“Oh” said me, in a comforting tone.

“Plus, I felt like you deserved it after making you wait” Said Alina.

“OK”.  She had a fair point.

“And I have to go to this party now, so I didn’t have much time, but maybe next time we can go for longer” Said Alina.


Moments later she got dressed, used the bathroom, and let herself out just before 11pm.

I lay there on the bed reflecting. “This girl opened me, she basically held the frame the whole way through, all I did, was be there. During the dates she did most of the talking, I barely got a word in edgeways. Yes, I escalated when I had to, but the sex happened when I literally laid back and did nothing.  Crazy Belarusians… wait, Belarus!…I don’t think I have that flag, I’d better check my blog [1]”.

I didn’t have it.




[1] Yes, I check my own blog to remember which flags I have. If I were a proper mPUA, this would be a humble brag, having too many flags to remember em’ all. But my alcohol addled brain forgets what happened last week, never mind which flags I picked up 6 years ago.

2 thoughts on “Lay Report: A Crazy Belarusian

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