As mentioned on Moscow – Unfinished business, I got my first lay of the trip on the first night, always a good feeling. However, the most interesting part of this story is what happened a week later – I thought I was going to get a threesome, two actually, but it didn’t quite pan out that way…

Mr S, Mr Rasputin and I were finishing up our dinner at a restaurant on Kamergirsky which would become our regular breakfast venue for the rest of the trip. Mr Rasputin had just successfully persuaded Mr S to join us for a Russian Sauna experience [1] the next day. Out of the corner of my left eye I spotted a brunette in a black leather jacket, leather pants and a white, tight fitting top. She was pacing up and down whilst looking at her phone – girls are terrible at reading a map. I excused myself from the table and got up to introduce myself…

Excuuuuuse me, I was sitting over there and I thought you looked very pretty, but you clearly can’t read a map!

Nip a ne ma! Said the girl as she giggled uncontrollably.

I could see she was interested so I whooped out the google translate on my phone. If you don’t use this already, I highly recommend it – there’s a feature within the translate app called “conversation” with two microphone symbols above it. You press one button to speak in English and the other for Russian (or whatever language the girl speaks). You can maintain eye contact whilst speaking into the phone and it works 90% of the time, all the time. Much less clunky than typing into your phone.

We had a bit of back and forth for a few minutes before I asked what she was doing. Anastasia said that she was trying to find the nearest metro to go home. “Booooooring” said me.

I suggested a drink just up the road and she agreed. I went back to the lads and asked if they could pay my part of the bill and I’d sort them out later, of course they agreed.

Anastasia and I spoke nonsense over google translate as we made the 5-minute walk to a bar called Let’s Rock. I got the drinks in and we sat on a couch on the mezzanine level at the back of the bar. I don’t recall what we spoke about, it was all over google translate and I’d had a couple of drinks. I do remember that she was 24, was some sort of teacher and lived far out of the city centre. I kissed her not long into the first drink and paid the bill. Time to bounce home.

I bumped into Mr S as we were walking out of the bar, who was also with a girl…

Who’s this? Said Mr S.

Just some girl I met, who’s this? Said me.

Just some girl I met. Do ye wanna all get a drink together?

Ok, why not.

Mr S’s girl spoke perfect English whereas mine spoke zero. The two girls chatted quite a bit in Russian whilst Mr S and I discussed the logistics of how we would bounce.

Can I bounce mine first? I don’t think she’d like it if you’re spanking your one silly when we walk in. Pleaded Mr S.

OK, fair enough. Said me, reluctantly.

As we finished our drinks my girl told me that Mr S was very handsome and that he reminded her of Ryan Gosling.

Ah fuck Thought me.

I really don’t see it, but yes, he is handsome. I conceded.

We all enjoyed each other’s company for a while and the girls got a bystander to take pictures of the four of us together. Soon after this the other two excused themselves and I waited around 30mins before bouncing mine back and banging her. She had a great little body, a peachy ass with a small waist and nice breasts. I let her stay the night and she let herself out in the morning, with some encouragement from me.

We kept in touch throughout the week, but Anastasia kept telling me that she was sick in hospital but was still keen to see me again before I left. It turned out that she wasn’t lying. Fast forward to the following Saturday, Mr S’s last night in Russia and I got a message from her when I was on a date to nowhere with another girl.

What are you doing tonight? I am with a girlfriend; do you want to meet? Said her.

Is she offering up a threesome?! Thought me.

I should be free in an hour, what did you have in mind? Said me

You could meet with me and my friend. Said Anastasia

Yes, YES, this is IT. Thought me, threesome for sure!

Ok, Is your friend as pretty as you? Said me.

I think prettier.

OK, let’s meet in an hour. Said me, trying not to come across too keen.

Great, can you bring your friend? Said her.

BALLS, I instantly knew where this was going.

Which friend?

She sent through the picture of the four of us together with the caption “Ryan Gosling”.

FUCK! There goes the threesome. Thought me.

Mr S already had a date lined up with a girl he picked up from a secret location, which only he knows about and therefore which only he can enter which contains 9’s and 10’s ONLY – so he wasn’t that keen to come along. But his girl was taking long to get ready, so he agreed to come see what Anastasia’s friend looked like before deciding.

We made our way to the bar and the girls were already there waiting for us. Anastasia’s friend was indeed very pretty. She had a slightly Asian face but had a fantastic body – curves in all the right places and a few tattoos. It was obvious from the outset that she REALLY fancied Mr S before he even opened his mouth.

We all sat down for a drink together, Mr S beside Anastasias friend (let’s call her Dasha) and me beside Anastasia. Dasha spoke perfect English and we all got along fine. Mr S now had a real dilemma on his hands, ditch Dasha, a sure-fire notch, or go after another girl he thought could be a 9. We got a second round of drinks in and as soon as Mr S put the drinks on the table he left without even saying goodbye. He obviously chose the latter option.

I knew exactly where he’d gone, but I tried to carry on as if nothing had happened and attempted to manoeuvre the girls back onto threesome drive. It wasn’t happening. After around 5 minutes Dasha realised something was amiss “Where’s Mr S?” she asked.

“He mentioned something about having to meet another friend and left” I said.

“OH” Said Dasha as her face dropped.

“Stay a little longer, it’ll be fun” I pleaded.

“No, I really have to get up for work in the morning”

She said something in Russian to Anastasia and they both got up and left me with a table full of drinks. FUCK.

Soon after this I pinged Mr White who was also in town to see if he wanted to help me finish the drinks. He obliged. We sat there and supped away on vodka orange as we caught up on the day’s events.

Come on, let’s go inside and do some two-sets. Said me

Alright then, you mad cunt. Said Mr White in his usual encouraging way.

We walked inside and I saw a cute little two-set waiting for the toilet. One had long brown hair in a ponytail which went down past her ass and the other had blue eyes and black hair in a bob. Neither spoke a word of English.

Mr White rolled his eyes as if to say fuck this.

Don’t you worry Mr White, I got this. As I pulled out Google translate.

I opened the girl in the ponytail as her and her friend both stared up at me (they were both about 5’2”). They clearly liked me, I told them we should get a drink when they were finished in the bathroom and they agreed. I got the drinks and all four of us sat up on the same mezzanine level where I took Anastasia the previous week.

It turned out the girls would have to go home soon to get the last metro. I sat beside pony-tail girl, and Mr White sat beside the other one. Mr White and I were able to have full conversations in English right in front of them as we discussed logistics….

Come on Mr White, I think this is on, lets bounce em’ back to my place, it’s just up the road.

Mate, I really can’t be arsed, mine is a 6! I’d rather go home.

She’s a 7 at least! Come on, she’s cute.

Mate she’s a SIX

At this point Mr White’s girl interjected our conversation…

No sex!

Her English translation skills were clearly not up to scratch.

Come on Mr White, just come for a little while, this could be an easy notch for you. Mr White still hadn’t gotten laid by this point in the trip, so I used this against him for my own benefit.

We left the bar and the girls had agreed to come back with us. As we were walking, I remembered that I had no bounce back booze at the flat and all the off-licences were shut. I found a restaurant along the way and asked the waiter how much he would charge me for a bottle of wine. He wasn’t keen on selling it but then he finally offered me one for 3,200 rubles (not cheap). As is usual when I’m a bit tipsy, I stop caring about money and happily handed over my hard earned rubles and we were on our way.

The girls happily made themselves at home as we entered the flat at what must have been around midnight. We all had a glass of wine together before Mr White isolated his girl on the balcony and I got mine alone on the couch. I tried to kiss her, but she kept pulling away. I picked her up and carried her into my bedroom where I managed to get a small kiss on the lips. She pushed me off and said “Not now” on google translate.

After a couple of hours of neither of us getting anywhere, Mr White threw in the towel and left me alone with the two girls at around 2am.

“Second chance of a threesome” thought an ever optimistic me.

I sat the girls down either side of me on the couch, trying to spike things up by asking them if they’d ever kissed each other. They were having none of it. I tried to kiss both of them at separate points but got nowhere.

It was now pushing 3am when I got a message from Mr S “I’m bouncing will be home in 2mins”. FUCK.

I quickly grabbed both girls by the hand and pulled them towards my bedroom, but it was too late, Mr S opened the front door as we were running past it and his girl spotted my girls.

“Hey! Who are you?!” She screamed.

The three girls immediately started talking in Russian whilst Mr S and I looked at each other as if to say “What are we going to do now?!”

Mr S went straight to bed expecting that his girl would join him. But she didn’t. She stayed up chatting to me and the two other girls. They wanted to have a party. Pony-tail girl asked if she could order pizza and more wine. I said sure and she ordered it on her phone. It turned up 30 minutes or so later. I assumed that she had already paid for it, but no, she turned to me and said “It costs 4,000 rubles”… “WHAT?!” said angry me, before handing over more of my hard earned rubles.

It was now pushing 4am and I was getting tired and grumpy. I tried to get my girls to come to bed with me and Mr S’s girl to go to his room, but they were determined to stay up and party. Soon after this, blue eyes asked me if she could go to sleep in my bed and I told her yes, of course, thinking that this meant I was going to bang her. I tried one more time to get ponytail to come to bed but she stayed up listening to music with Mr S’s girl.

I stripped off and got into bed with blue eyes who was still fully clothed and sleeping already. I rubbed her leg before trying to kiss her and she muttered a load of Russian at me before turning her back to me. It wasn’t on.

I lay there in bed and the girls were still playing the music loudly at 5am in the lounge. I heard Mr S get up a few times to tell them to turn it down, we had to be up at 10am to check out at 11am. They didn’t turn the music down. At around 5.30 am I got up and went into Mr S’s room…

“Do you mind if I kick these bitches out? It’ll probably end things with your one”

“Do it, she’s dead to me”

I stormed into the lounge in my boxer shorts, pointed at the front door and shouted…

“GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT, NOW!!” I was genuinely angry, tiredness combined with two failed threesome attempts will do this to a man.

They both stared at me in shock, ponytail obviously had no idea what I’d said, but the other one did and translated on my behalf.

“Are you serious?!” She pleaded.

“Yes, LEAVE, NOW”. Said serious me.

They quickly gathered their shit and all three girls shuffled out the door at around 6am allowing Mr S and I to get our heads down for a few hours kip. What a cluster fuck.

So, what did I learn from that experience?

  1. I’m terrible at threesomes
  2. Provider game does not work

[1] It was a lot of fun, but the less said about it, the better

8 thoughts on “Not Your Typical Lay Report

  1. > Not Your Typical Lay Report
    Not at all, apparently.
    I date introverts and I can’t imagine girls partying all night while I tried to sleep. The “get the fuck out” talk (some version of it) would have happened much earlier.

    > She had a slightly Asian face but…
    But? But? That was the best part, wasn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

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