On Sunday I returned from pussy paradise empty handed for the first time ever, shock, horror! It’s a place I usually do well, but for whatever reason, nothing came through this time. The misery was compounded further by my wing Xants, who after getting his plus 1 early on in the trip, was not able to control his cat that got the cream grin for the rest of it. But that’s a story for another post.

The previous night I was up drinking and watching It’s always sunny in Philadelphia with Xants until 4am getting around 3 hours kip in before heading off for the airport at 8am. I returned home in a tired, hungover mess with my tail tucked firmly between my legs at around 2pm. I felt like shit but I really didn’t want to sit in the apartment moping, especially since it was such a beautiful day outside, summer seemed to have arrived in London. I pinged Xants and he reluctantly agreed to join me for a cheeky session.

We met up on Argyll street at 3pm and made our way South whilst trying to drum up some vibe, but both were struggling from the exertions of the previous 10 days. In my head I was just happy to be outside and any sets would be a bonus.

As we were approaching Picadilly Xants spotted some skirt in a skirt and ran after it. I loitered nearby whilst he accused her of being a hamster when that all too familiar spider sense tingle tingled in my bones. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a short brunette crossing the road to walk away from me. I hadn’t seen her face but she wore a black beret, a black boob tube, black short shorts and black doc martins. It was worth further investigation.

I got in front and delivered my spiel, I can’t remember what my opener was, but she liked it whatever it was. Turned out Stacey was visiting from America for a few days on a business trip and was on her way to Buckingham Palace to see the Queen. Her family came from Asian decent but she was very Californian. It was a quite a quick set but it felt on, her eye contact was strong and she touched me a couple of times as I popped a few jokes, this was a yes girl and I knew it very early on. I tried for the idate but she was insisting on going to see the Queen.

OK, OK, you do that and we can go for a beer when your finished.

OK sounds good, where?

There’s a pub just up there, we’ll meet there.

What’s it called?

I have no idea, my brain is not working today – I couldn’t remember the name of it despite having been there loads of times. I took her number and we went our separate ways. I returned to a bewildered Xants as he had no idea where I’d ran off to;

Think I’ve got a date in an hour, if she turns up I’ll probably bang her.


What’s the name of that pub we always go to near the whole foods?

The glassblower!

I pinged Stacey the name of the pub to receive only 1 tick on whatsapp, she hadn’t been online since the morning. BALLS. I sweated for the next hour as I walked around, what felt like a nailed on notch was slipping away as she didn’t seem to have data on her phone. Eventually she came back to me and we agreed to meet in the pub at 5.30pm.

I got there bang on time and there was no sign of Stacey. I bought myself a pint of Peroni and stood outside the bar in the Sun. She arrived 15 minutes late.

I got her a pint of cider and we sat on the stools tucked in the corner to the side of the entrance, if you’re ever in this bar it’s a great spot as it feels like your own little part of the bar that no-one can enter.

We turned our stools to face each other with knees touching. Stacey apologised for being late and explained how two other guys had approached her since I did a couple of hours previous. One of them was creepy and the other guy (an “Asian” guy called Ash) was cool, but I was more handsome and charming. These type of things never happen in LA said Stacey and she wished that they would, she admired the bravery.

I thanked her and gave the usual spiel of how it’s so much better than online dating, she gave me the usual questions, do you this all the time? are you some sort of player? However the vibe was different, it wasn’t shit testy, it was as if she WANTED me to say yes. Then Stacey dropped what she thought would be a bombshell;

I feel like I probably should have told you this earlier but…

You’re a virgin?!

hahaha noooo – punches me on the arm

I have a boyfriend back in LA so I probably shouldn’t be here.

Well, I don’t mind.

It’s just you seem so fun and interesting, I wanted to find out more about you.

This was all within the first couple of sips. She offered up token resistance but I knew it was in the bag, all I had to do was not fuck it up.

We carried on with the comfort fluff, I found out Stacey was 24, was in London to secure some sort of deal for her company and was staying in a top end hotel in Leciester Square. I avoided asking about her boyfriend entirely. Towards the end of our drink I asked…

What are you doing now?

I’m free, wanna hang out a little longer?

OK, but I know a better place, let’s go for a walk.


As we got outside the weather had taken a turn for the worse, the sky was grey and the air was gusting, it felt like it was about to rain and my place was a 20 minute walk away. We started walking up Regent street as she was rambling on about something. I saw a black cab with a yellow light on the opposite side of the road, stuck my hand out and the cab pulled over. I grabbed Stacey’s hand and pulled her across the road with me…

Youuuuu’re CRAZY, you’re gonna get us killed hahaha

We hopped in the cab and she curled up in ball against my shoulder whilst giggling away.

Marylebone High Street mate. Said me.

I probably could have taken her straight home and she wouldn’t have objected. But I hadn’t kissed her yet and I felt like another beer so we alighted at the pub across the road from my house. I got the drinks and pointed Stacey in the direction of the couch whilst I paid. She obeyed.

As soon as I sat down beside her I pulled her in for the kiss and she almost melted into me. She moaned and rubbed at my chest.

Ohhhh damn

What’s wrong?

I don’t think I can drink with you anymore.


Can we go back to my hotel?!

Oh… that’s miles away, I only live across the road.

Oh, haha you’re clever.

Nah, it’s just a coincidence.

We finished our drinks and went back to mine. There were some awkward introductions with Ricky Roma (who was in a t-shirt and boxers) and his girlfriend in the kitchen. I hadn’t seen them in two weeks so Ricky quickly switched from “how was your trip?!” to “and who’s this?”.

Eventually I got Stacey into my room and the clothes quickly came off (no guitar serenade or comfort building chit chat necessary) and I banged her raw-dog. The sex was amazing mainly because Stacey was a very sexual girl and liked to make noises, this always makes me cum quickly and I did.

The most interesting part of this lay is probably what happened afterwards. It was only approaching 8pm after we put ourselves back together so I invited Stacey out for a romantic dinner at the burger place around the corner. She agreed to join.

I ordered a bottle of red and we both ate burgers. Stacey started to open up as we did so. She told me that she’d been with her boyfriend for four years, she really really likes him and so do all her friends and family. He is her BEST FRIEND. But there’s no passion, no fire, no arguments and the sex is boring. She wished that he could fuck her like I just did.

What should I do?

Tell me more about this guy.

He’s 28, a bit of a nerd but really friendly and funny.

How many women has he been with?

I think only one before me.

There’s your problem right there.

Why, how many have you been with?

I’ve had my fair share.


Closer to double.

I’m not surprised… so what should I do?

Honestly? I think you’re wasting your time with him. You’re not getting any younger and your looks will only decline with the years.

But, but, I have some Asian in me, they stay young forever.

There’s a chance this guy will change, but to do that he needs to be single. He needs to face up to the harsh reality of the world and learn that being the nice guy might get the girl, but it certainly won’t keep her. You are holding each other back.

OMG!! That makes so much sense.

We chatted for another hour or so before we went back to her swanky hotel and I banged her again and again into the night, she couldn’t get enough and neither could I after a very frustrating Eurojaunt.

So I went all the way to America and didn’t get the American flag, I went on a Eurojaunt and didn’t get laid and then the day I get back to London I FINALLY get the American flag. The complete randomness of daygame is one of the few things that keeps me in it.

5 thoughts on “Lay Report: Finally, an American

  1. I scored two new European flags in two days in Sydney … and so far nothing on this Eurojaunt. Closed market!

    Perhaps we should plan our Jaunts like business reconnaissance trips, surveying the market before returning a second time to invest.

    I like your intuitive IOI/spidey-sense comments – they keep resurfacing in your Lay Reports as a lead indicator. Akin to a DNA tug.


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