Not this hot. 

It was 10pm on a cold and windy Saturday night in New York City and my flight back to London was at 9am the next morning. I had all but given up the ghost trying to get laid having endured a miserable 10 days in the concrete jungle where dreams are crushed. I’d spoken to over 100 girls [1] in that time and only had one date from daygame which ended in a near miss, I couldn’t catch a break. But then I caught two within 30 minutes of each other…

Mr Arrgh and I had spent the afternoon in the Uptown area visiting an old Irish friend of mine. We decided to take the metro back to the usual hunting grounds of East Village and Soho for some last minute bar/gutter game at around 9pm. When we were on the subway I spotted an older (early to mid-thirties) blonde girl in brown heeled cowboy boots, tight blue denim jeans, a white boob tube which showed off a bit of stomach and cleavage and a brown fur coat. She looked filthy, I turned to Mr Arrgh – “If she gets off at the same stop as us, I’m opening”.

The moon and the stars aligned as we all departed at the same time, I followed her as she swayed her hips with every step up the stairs, she was horny. When we got to street level I waited for her to cross the road and then jumped in front. It was a very busy intersection and lots of people looked on as I did so…

Excuuuuuuse me young lady! I just had to tell you that I love this outfit, you look like a feisty little bear, it’s hot. – Not the most imaginative opener, but it didn’t matter.

One bystander, a young girl stood to my right couldn’t contain her excitement, as she watched on…

Oh My GOOOOOD, that is soooooo cute! Why does that never happen to me?!

The cougar burst out laughing before calling over to the other girl;

I know, this guy’s got some balls, right?! – She still hadn’t spoken to me.

When things calmed down the cougar asked me how long I was in town for. I told her I was leaving the next morning and pushed for the idate, however she was already on her way to a date with another guy.

This is a real shame, you’re hot! I would definitely go on a date with you if you were here longer.

I have an idea, we can meet up later if your date is not going well.

OK sure, you have Instagram?

We exchanged instagrams and went our separate ways. Mr Arrgh and I carried on walking and soon after a cute girl walked towards us, she had one of those big puffy Canada Goose coats on and was listening to music on her airpods.

Excuuuuse me, you look very happy, you’re practically dancing down the street!

Haha thank you, yes I listen to this happy music. – She took off her airpods and put them in my ears, it sounded like a cross between Arabic and Irish folk.

That is definitely not American and neither is your accent.

No, I’m from Azerbaijan [2] but living here now.

Margret was very chatty and had a spaced-out vibe about her. I found out that she had been living in New York for 10 years, worked for the UN and did a lot of yoga. At that moment in time I was guessing she was mid to late 20’s and I’d put her as a low 7 [3]. Margret was on her way home after having dinner with her friends…

Boring! I have a better idea, let’s go for a drink right now!

Oh, ok, why not!

I bounced her to the closest bar and got us both a drink. It was crowded and noisy so I told her to drink up quickly. We took a long walk (around 20 mins) to a bar close to my apartment. On the way I spun out a story about an episode of black mirror in which a girl spikes a guys drink after inviting him back to her apartment and kills him [4], thus framing her as the dangerous one and me the innocent.

At around midnight we reached a bar called Clockwork, a grotty 24-hour dive bar, my favourite sort of place. I motioned Margret towards a couch whilst I got a couple of drinks in. When I was at the bar I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was the cougar, she’d messaged to say that her date was bad, she was on her way home and that I should come that way. I’d gone from barely having a sniff all trip to being booty called whilst being a whisker away from a SDL with another girl. Fuck my life. What to do? Obviously, I decided I would try and do both…

I escalated quickly and we were kissing within 10 minutes. Soon after I suggested another walk, along the way I stopped to buy a bottle of wine, she didn’t ask why I was doing so, she knew what was happening.

We got into the apartment, I demanded she take her shoes off and we went straight to the bedroom. The clothes were off quickly and I was anticipating some well deserved wild sex. I went to stick it in raw dog, I got two strokes [5] in before she jumped off and told me that she was a virgin. I laughed at her, there was no way she was a virgin, I’d have felt her hymen break. I played along and told her she wasn’t a virgin anymore, she insisted she was. I didn’t care, I had my notch as far as I was concerned. I pushed her head down to my dick and she kindly finished me off with her mouth.

I told her she needed to leave shortly afterwards as my friend (Mr Arrgh) was coming to sleep on my couch so I walked her back to the subway. It was now around 2.30am, I’d have to be up at 5am to pack and get to the airport on time for my flight. I decided I wasn’t going to sleep, I pinged the cougar and told her I was coming, and then 1 minute later I messaged her again telling her that I wasn’t coming. I figured she was probably sleeping by now as she last messaged me more than 2 hours ago and it would be a better idea to get some rest.

I walked myself to a Mexican takeaway place for a victory burrito, went home and filled Mr Arrgh in on the evening’s events. Then at 4am I made the wise decision to have a power nap and get up at 5am for my 9am flight. I set three alarms on my phone to make triple sure I’d wake up and drifted off to sleep. Of course, I slept through all three alarms, waking up at 8.30am to look at my phone. FUUUUUUCK. I awoke in a panic and then quickly realised there wasn’t much I could do about it now, so I rolled back over, went to sleep and paid for another flight that evening when I awoke.

So there you go kids – the best way to get laid in New York is to give up. All that never give up stuff is a load of bollocks. And yes, I’m a retard.





1 – Daygame and bargame. I’ll summarise the trip in another post.

2 – New flag.

3 – It was dark and I’d had a couple of beers. I met her the next day for coffee to give back her ear rings she’d left on my bedside table. She was a 6.

4 – The episode is called White Christmas, I reference it a lot on dates.

5 – Minimum number required as per PUA standard set by Krauser


One thought on “Lay Report: Give Up

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