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The desert signifies my dry patch and I like leopards and hot girls. Deep.

It’s been very quiet on here for one simple reason – I am not getting laid [1]. October was the first month this year where I didn’t get a new notch. The Bulgarian has become a regular, I’ve given another regular to Xants [2] and I’ve been dating another couple of girls that I STILL haven’t converted to notches [3]. However, I did go on a “Euro Jaunt” recently. Actually it was more of a piss-up due to the company in tow; Xants, Mr S, his brother and I. 3 out of 4 of us got laid despite the drunken debauchery…

It was our last jaunt of the year, we all had a week of leave left and wanted to use it before it got too cold. Our destination prerequisites were – not too expensive, not too far, not too cold, hot girls and good night life. It was a close call between Kiev and Warsaw – we went with the latter due to the non-existent night life in Kiev and my constant re-assurances to the lads of how much easier it was to get laid in Warsaw. Oh the irony.

We flew out on a Friday night and our spirits were high – boys on tour and all that. We set the tone for the holiday before it began by having a couple of pints at Kings Cross station before getting the train to the airport, then another few pints at the airport, then a few cans of beer on the plane journey there.

Luck of the randomly allocated air plane seat lottery sandwiched me between a cute blonde girl to my left and a not so cute Mr S to my right. As we made ourselves comfortable the gamma in me was explaining to Mr S how I’d downloaded lots of Netflix shows on my phone to watch on the flight.

Why dontchya watchit on hur compuder? Mr S countered.

The girl to my left piped up…

Oh I don’t have any Netflix on this. She had a macbook on her lap

Ignore my friend – he’s Irish. Said me

Fuck dis – I’m goin ta sleep. Said Mr S.

And with that Mr S. proceeded to fall asleep whilst I carried on chatting to the blondie that he technically opened. She was a fashion consultant who travelled the world regularly, advised people how to dress and took pictures of them. She was originally from Poland and was on her way home to see her family for a few days. Our conversation fizzled out after 15 minutes and then she fell asleep. Soon after the drinks lady arrived and Mr S and I got on the beer. As we landed I took the blondies number as she had invited me to a party the next evening. I’d number closed before I’d even touched down in Poland – this is going to be so easy!

We arrived around midnight and got an uber to the city centre. Mr S and his brother went to check into their apartment and Xants and I tried to do the same. The Airbnb instructions told us to go and fetch the keys from a café. As we approached the café we noticed that it looked awfully dark and there were no people in it. Strange. When we got to the entrance we noticed that it was definitely closed. It was 23:45 and the sign said that it closed at 00:00. Lazy feckin’ Poles. I tried to contact the landlord several times but to no avail. Eventually I contacted airbnb and they said they would put us up in a hotel for the night and pay for any expenses (including alcohol) to the value of £30 whilst we did so. We carried on drinking until we couldn’t be arsed checking into a hotel and ended up crashing on Mr S’s couch. I never did claim any expenses.

The next morning we all went for breakfast and soon realised that pork sausages do not exist in Poland – all breakfasts come with those rubbish Vienna type sausages, we were mortified and already wanted to go home. Local resident, Mr R who is originally from Leeds joined us to catch-up before we all parted ways and Xants and I tried again to gain entry to our apartment, this time successfully.

From here on in the rest of the trip is a blur. I remember for the first three or four days that I was approaching a fair bit. I did 40 daygame sets in total and “closed” 20 (mostly on Instagram as they still don’t seem to do whatsapp there) of these. My vibe was terrible throughout as we were hitting it hard in the bars every night and this is where I was arguably more successful.

The reactions on the street were generally good, I only remember a couple of blowouts but something was off. I was getting contact details from half of the girls and most of them were replying – getting them out was the tricky part. There could be myriad reasons for this; they were genuinely busy with Uni, they had boyfriends, they’d been opened 20 times after I opened them, they just gave me their details to get rid, and, and , and… There’s no point losing sleep over it, accept it and move on thought me.

I had four dates on the trip;

  1. Blondie from the plane – I got her out a few days later in the afternoon. We went for coffee then a walk and then a beer. Every time I tried to escalate she recoiled at the same time as biting her bottom lip. Cognitive dissonance in full display if I’ve ever seen it. The old hind brain/fore brain conflict and the fore won again. We agreed to meet a day later but in the intervening time her grandmother died which created somewhat of a cock-block (how selfish!) and I never saw blondie again.
  2. The 9 from last year – This is a girl I had two dates with on my last trip to Warsaw. She had dropped a point having aged a year and a half and put on a little bit of weight. She was still a solid 8 though. She was happy to spend an entire evening with me without actually doing anything, Initially it was nice to hang out with a hot girl but I soon got fed up of this and put her on the spot – “Are you attracted to me or not?”. She told me that she was but that she didn’t want to grow feelings or get attached to me as I was leaving the city. Fair enough. Whore.
  3. Cute Ukrainian – my only proper date from daygame out of the 40 girls I opened. She was a short 21-year-old brunette who worked as a dentist and spoke zero English. I tried to hug her as we met for the date and she recoiled whilst frantically typing “Wow you are so fast!” into her google translate. I wasted around two hours of my time with her, I genuinely liked her but it would have taken about 20 dates to get the lay and I ain’t got time for that shit. We said our goodbyes and I didn’t bother contacting her again.
  4. Mr R’s regular – On my last day I still hadn’t gotten laid so I decided to go hail mary and hunt for SDL’s. As I was walking through the frying pan area of Warsaw (between the underpass and the park) I spotted a tall girl walking slowly with a black dress and high heels. I wasted no time in opening and she was very receptive. Turned out she was Ukrainian and in Warsaw to study – all the hottest girls in the city are from Ukraine. I asked her what she was up to and she said “oh, just walking”. I bounced her for a coffee and we showed each other pictures from our Instagram profiles and added each other as friends. As I looked through her pictures I had a peculiar feeling of familiarity. I was sure I’d seen this girls pictures before but I didn’t know where. After the coffee we went for a walk towards the old town before we settled on an Irish bar for a proper drink. I asked about her plans for the rest of the evening and she told me that she was going to a friends birthday party. It was still bugging me where I knew this girl from. I sent a screenshot of her Instagram to the Warsaw group chat asking if anyone knew this girl. A few minutes later Mr R replied “Yip, that’s my 18 yr/old regular. Be quick, she’s meeting me at 8:30”. Fuck. We finished our drinks and I sent her on her way.

As mentioned above – the nightgame seemed like it would bare more fruit. I probably approached almost as many girls at night, most of them two-sets, as I did during the day. The closest I got to getting laid was a two set I did with Xants with a few nights left.

We were in the smoking section upstairs in a bar/club called Plan B. The night was young and we were scanning for sets, we stood around a small table and I spotted a cute two-set to my left which was directly behind Xants. He was mad keen to do mystery method openers so he cocked his shoulders towards them… “Oi, who’s better, the Rolling Stones or the Beatles?” They stopped what they were talking about and hooked instantly.

The girl closest to him said beatles and the one closest to me (the hotter one) said stones. I congratulated her on her good choice before shutting up and letting Xants proceed. After a few minutes he talked in my ear “this is going nowhere mate, let’s just go”. I begged to differ and insisted that we stick it out a bit longer.

The hotter one, let’s call her Sienna, was slim with longish black hair, pale skin and a fiery personality. She had a funny accent as she’d lived in London for a few years, it was a mix of Queens English and Polish, it was weird and I told her this many times. The other girl was a little frumpier with shorter, brown hair and had more good girl vibes about her.

The four of us spent the rest of the evening together. We had a couple of rounds in plan B before getting a taxi back to our area. As we got in the cab the girls decided that they wanted to show us the clubs that Polish people go to. We reluctantly agreed. They led us to a loud club with lots of pissed up Poles in it. Xants and I scanned the room quickly before turning to the girls and telling them they were coming to Pawilowny with us. They agreed.

We sat downstairs in the serial killer bar, smoked cigarettes and had one more drink. It was now pushing 2am and the bar was closing. We walked the girls in the direction of our apartment and as we got closer I floated the idea of them coming up for a night cap. They agreed.

When we got inside Sienna announced that she had no cigarettes left, neither had I and neither had Xants. I took this as the perfect opportunity to isolate. I asked Sienna to come across the road to the 24hour dive bar with me to buy them there. Her friend wasn’t keen on staying alone with Xants in the apartment but Sienna reassured her that everything would be ok. We got to the bar and as I was ordering the cigarettes I ordered two beers. Sienna feigned a look of surprise but did not protest. We sat beside each other on a couch and within minutes we had tongues down each other’s throats. It was very romantic. We finished the drinks and Sienna said that we should go back to check on her friend. I agreed.

When we got back to the room Xants and her friend had moved to his bedroom. I walked Sienna straight to my room for what I thought was going to be an easy lay. Instead I battled LMR all night long as she insisted that we would not be having sex. Sienna liked it rough and got very turned on when I choked her and pulled on her hair, but every time I tried to finger her she would push my hand away. Eventually she told me that she was on her period. Fuck. I kindly offered to put a towel down, but she wasn’t having it. I got Sienna down to her underwear and as I sucked on her surprisingly nice boobs she gouged her nails deep into my back. At the time I didn’t feel much pain due to the alcohol in my system. At around 5am we both collapsed in an exhausted mess. Sienna woke up again at 6am as she had to get to work, she went out to the lounge to find her friend sleeping on the couch, woke her up and they both left in a hurry.

Still half asleep I staggered to the bathroom for a piss. As I washed my hands I got a glimpse of my back, I turned it to the mirror to get a better look and it was red raw, she had dug her nails in so deep that she’d drawn blood. I returned to the bed and noticed that the white sheets were no longer white, there was blood all over them. Was it her period blood or the blood from my back? Either way it didn’t look good. I went back to sleep and as soon as I woke up I text her saying that I had fun. Sienna didn’t reply for a few hours and I was freaking out. Thankfully she eventually replied saying “me too 😊”. I never got her out again.

I mentioned that 3 out of 4 of us got laid. By now it should be obvious that I was the only one that didn’t get laid – this is a rare occurrence and I was so irritated that I almost had my first melt down. Meanwhile Xants banged a bar game girl on the last night. Mr. S banged two girls from bar game, his little brother banged FOUR, TWO of which were his first daygame notches and most spectacularly, both of them were on the SAME day. The wee bastard. This did not help my vibe but I tried my best to be happy for them all. Truth was I couldn’t wait to get away from them all and get away from Warsaw. Mentally I attempted to console myself with cliché’s – “you win some, you lose some”, “it’s a marathon not a sprint”. But none of that shit matters when you’re there in the moment riding the ups and downs. It would take it’s toll on any man.

I started to feel human a few days after I got back to London so I invited the Bulgarian round. After I’d finished unleashing my sexual frustration on her she lay there on her back huffing and puffing with a curious look on her face;

What’s wrong?

What happened your back and your arms? You’re all scratched and covered in bruises!

I decided this was the appropriate time for a white lie…

Oh, shit, I don’t know. I must have fallen over when I was drunk in Poland.

I could see her processing my lame alibi before she said;

Ok, makes sense.

 

 

[1] by new girls

[2] bottom world

[3] one of them proposed to me over whatsapp the other day. Sounds legit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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