Most lays are quite vanilla in that I follow the same routine and get more or less the same outcome, expecting anything different is the definition of insanity, right? However, some have a few quirks which you learn from that reinforce the harsh reality of male and female mating strategies. This is one of the latter…
Yesterday (Friday) my good friend the Cheshire Gent (CG) came down to visit me from Manchester, he would be sleeping on my living room couch which is next to my bedroom for the weekend. I got back from work at around 17:30 and he met me at my apartment to drop his bag off. I was quite tired after a stressful week at the office, however, CG regaled me with tales of his daygame adventures in my old stomping ground and lifted my vibe with his seemingly never ending positivity. We hit the streets at around 18:30. We took our first lap up Oxford street towards Tottenham court road. I announced “My intent is very low, I’m only doing a set if I see a ratbag with SDL written on her forehead.” CG popped off a quick set or two as we made our way up the street. The sky looked ominously grey and the heavens threatened to open at any minute. As I commented on this to CG a short Persian looking girl dressed in black doc martins, black jeans, a black boob tube and a black leather jacket came walking towards. There was no IOI but my SDL radar felt a mild beep, there was a bit of hip sway, she was walking quite slow and her eyes were wandering. I looked at her, looked at CG and he said “you have to do that one!” I knew he was right.
I got in front of her and it was on before I opened my mouth. I motioned her to stop with my hand and she planted her feet firmly in front of mine and gave me a beaming smile. I told her she was pretty in a biker chick kind of way and asked her where her helmet was. We chatted for around 5 minutes and I found out she was born in Scotland but grew up in London. One of her parents is from Afghanistan and the other from Pakistan, hence the Persian look. She had just finished her shift in a hipster coffee shop and said that she needed a drink as she was exhausted from talking to so many people all day. She seemed to be full of energy and I told her this, again I was leeching vibe from another person. I told her she had crazy eyes but I liked them and immediately she jerked her head forward and made big eyes at me. This girl was bat shit crazy, PERFECT.
I suggested a drink there and then, she said sure but was supposed to be meeting a “friend” who is currently running late. I told her she could meet her friend after.
We took a walk down Charing Cross road and the heavens opened on cue just before we ducked our heads in the Montague Pyke. I got us both a beer and we sat a table opposite each other up stairs.
I carried on the comfort fluff, examined her tattoos and noticed she had piercings but was not wearing the studs. I examined her black nail varnish as I stroked her hands she squeezed mine back. It was on.
We chatted about travel, her hopes and dreams and her current living situation in London. She was 22 and lived with her mother, they are both estranged from the rest of her family and she hadn’t spoken to her dad since she was a child. BINGO!
As we got to the end of our drinks her phone started ringing. It was on the table and I could see that it was a good looking guy calling her. She answered and told him she would be there in five minutes.
So that’s your friend you are meeting?
Yes, but it’s just a friend, he has a girlfriend and always asks me out for relationship advice
Ah, so you’re an agony aunt?
I’m great at giving advice, if only I could follow my own
OK, well it’s almost 8pm now, I’m meeting my friends for dinner but lets meet at around 10pm for another drink
Yes, that sounds like a good idea
We left the bar and had a cigarette before going our separate ways. I returned to CG and we joined Ricky and Mr W for dinner and a beer. She pinged me as I sat down to join them and this was the proceeding text exchange…
As you can see, I broke just about every texting rule in the book, but I knew it didn’t matter.
She was around 40 minutes late for our meeting and she sneakily changed the meeting point to H&M. As I stood there waiting I stuck my head up towards Top Shop, I could see her hugging a tall man and that he was trying to kiss her. She kept turning her head away from him and just hugged him back. I could see him walking away to get on the tube at Oxford circus. She then called me asking where I was. I told her I was where she asked me to meet her. She walked over and I could see that she was a little bit tipsy.
There was no apology and she tried to lead us to a bar. I pulled her back by the hand and slapped her on the back of it. I playfully told her off for making me wait and demanded an apology which she duly delivered.
I lead us to the Finery around the corner and as we stood at the bar she told me about her evening…
I’m sorry I was so late, but my friend bought me dinner and wine and we just had such good conversation that I lost track of time
Ah, so you did the pair of you crack world peace?
Noooo, he kept complaining about his girlfriend and telling me how great I was
Yeah, then he tried to kiss me at the end, like he always does
I sniggered to myself. This guy had clearly friend zoned himself and was hoping to wine and dine his way into her pussy. I asked her if she thought men and women could be friends and of course she said yes.
As I got the drinks I pointed to a big round table with a couch and told her to grab it, I would bring the drinks over. I did so and she got the wrong table, a high table with stools. I brought the beers over and told her off again for getting the wrong table which had now been taken by another couple. I started the questions game and these were her first questions;
How many women have you slept with?
Would you describe yourself as good in bed?
Have you ever thought about having sex with a man?
I asked her some sexual questions back and then she went off into a rant;
Modern society sickens me, we get shamed for following our natural desires, I mean this is London, what’s wrong with having a one night stand every now and then? I mean sex is great, I’ve had lots of one nights stands, well not a lot, I’m not a whore, but I enjoy sex. We will probably have sex tonight and never see each other again and I think that is beautiful.
You are preaching to the choir little lady
Don’t call me little!
Ok short arse
We finished our drink and it was now almost midnight. I walked us towards my apartment and she didn’t even ask where we were going. I got to the front door and up she came with no resistance. I gave her a little tour and poured us some wine. We went into my bedroom and I played her some tunes on the guitar. She has very similar taste in music to me so she was entranced.
I put the guitar down and she started showing me some videos on Youtube as we lay on the bed. Before long our clothes were off and she said the magic words “do you have a condom?”
We had sex for about 2 hours straight and to say she was wild would be a massive understatement, she really liked to deep throat and was quite dominating saying things like;
Fuck me harder, spank me !
Thats it, thats iiiiit
Make me cum, make me fucking cuuuum!
We recovered for about half an hour, she put my red Trump T-shirt on as we both had a cigarette out my window. I finished mine first and started to fondle her ass from behind as she was bent over with her head out the window. She started wanking me off and I got hard again very quickly, I went inside her as she was moaning wildly with her head out the window. It was around 3am so not many people walked by.
She left the next morning at around 10am, I was so exhausted from dehydration, lack of sleep and my ball sack being drained that I had a pounding headache. I must be getting too old for this shit.
After she left I went into the living room to catch up with CG. “Maaaaate, I could hear everything, all I could hear was your little plums slapping away and I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night… I had to piss in a bottle!” He pointed to the mantle piece and a bottle of water was filled with an illuminous yellow liquid. I cracked up laughing and apologised, these are the moments I will remember when I’m old and grey.