It seems that I am getting more near misses than notches these days, they are happening too frequently to be “bad luck”. The main cause is that I have been pulling a lot harder and faster for a variety of reasons. “That’s the life I live. On the edge. The narrow path between heaven and hell” – Krauser said this once and it seems to align with the current stage of my journey. This tale involves yet another crazy girl, in fact, probably the craziest yet…
Sunday past I was winging with Ricky Roma, we rarely wing together even though we live under the same roof. In London there just aren’t enough sets and I am a greedy daygamer, I want all the hot girls to myself. However, it had been a fruitless weekend of game so far and it was a balmy day so we decided to walk around together enjoying the sunshine and shooting the shit whilst taking turns as the sets presented themselves.
We were walking from Leicester square towards Piccadilly Circus when we both saw a slim brunette walking towards us. As she got closer we noticed she had a nice midriff on display which had several tattoos on it. We let her pass and I gave Ricky the nod as it was my turn to open. I did a classic front-stop and
looked at her like a sex deprived maniac gave her the “mesma”, if I wasn’t anonymous you could see said mesma in the picture below. She gave me a huge smile, It was on. She would later tell me that she noticed me before I noticed her and that she saw me turn to run after, she was expecting the approach.
The set lasted somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. I found out she was English, was a free-lance make-up artist for drag queens and was 24 years old. She was quite giggly and had a lot of nervous energy during the set. I put that down to her just being shy, but I would find out the real reason later.
As we spoke I couldn’t help but look her up and down and analyse her tattoos. I made sure to touch them as I enquired to their meaning. She was slim but not athletic slim, more the doesn’t eat a lot and is still young slim, she’ll be rotten in a few years. However, she looked filthy and yes, you guessed it, I really wanted to bang her.
She told me she was on her way to the national gallery to look at an exhibition, I took her number and walked off with a good feeling.
As you can see above, she was very keen. We arranged to meet the following Wednesday, note that she pinged me the day before to confirm. GREEN FLAG 1
It had been pissing down all day on the day of the date, I was surprised that she was still keen to come out. I turned up exactly on time, she messaged me a few minutes before 7pm saying that she would be a couple of minutes late. She would end up being 30 minutes late as she got lost twice on the way. Even though I gave her a very specific meeting point she managed to go to two other Top Shops and then blamed me for organizing a bad meeting place. She turned up looking like a drowned rat with soggy wet hair and some of her make-up was running. She was wearing black knee-high boots, black leggings a silver dress, with NO BRA underneath and a black denim jacket. She looked very bangable despite the drowned rat look. I went to give her a kiss on the cheek and I could smell the stench of stale cigarettes from her breath. Lovely.
I had a big golf umbrella so I pulled her under and walked us to the first venue which was a Sam Smiths pub called the Cock Tavern. It was packed inside and had standing room only. I got myself a beer and her a glass of white wine as I anchored myself on the bar and she stood opposite me. She was a bag of nerves and giggled at absolutely everything I said. As she sipped her white wine her hands were trembling. I tried to calm her down and started into the normal comfort fluff… She told me that she had just switched hostels and had no fixed living abode as she was leaving the country at the end of the month. GREEN FLAG 2
I asked her why she didn’t have work that day and she told me that she’s not allowed to work. I didn’t enquire as to why at this point. RED FLAG 1
We finished our drink at around 20:15 and I had the next venue booked which was just around the corner for 20:30. We were still early so we had a smoke under a porch opposite the venue which looked closed.
At this point she started showing me lots of photos from her instagram account. All of her pictures were of her with transexuals and drag queens. She looked hot in them all but I couldn’t help but be repulsed by the others in her pictures. She noticed this and asked if I had a problem, I said “no, I’ve just never met a girl like you before”. I had met some crazy bitches but this one was well on her way to taking the biscuit. As she was showing me these pictures she kept calling the drags/trannies by their stage names and saying “she is my absolute favourite, she’s so fun to party with” etc…. So not only does she follow these sick people (yes they are sick, if you think otherwise, then you’re wrong) she also hangs out with them. RED FLAG 2
When we finished our cigarettes I led us across the road to the venue entrance. It’s a little underground bar which you have to book in advance. The doors were locked despite me booking. FUCK
I rang the doorbell and the owner eventually answered. I told him I had a booking and he beckoned us inside out of the torrential rain. He led us down the stairs and there was no-one else in the venue. Perfect.
We sat beside each other on a couch, she ordered a cocktail and I a beer. As we waited for the drinks I started the questions game. Her first question was a sexual one. GREEN FLAG 3
Soon after this I went for the first kiss attempt and there was no resistance, she responded enthusiastically with full tongue. GREEN FLAG 4
We spoke about relationships, she explains how she believes in polygamy and doesn’t want anything serious, if she did she wouldn’t have agreed to meet me as she knows she’s leaving at the end of the month. GREEN FLAG 5
It felt on like donkey kong and I was already formulating this blog post in my head. It got to around 21:30 and it still felt too early to bounce. In hindsight I should have bounced, but I ordered us another round instead, by this point I’m down £40 in drinks.
“You never asked me why I can’t work” she stated.
“I figured you would tell me if you wanted to” I responded.
“I don’t normally tell people this…. but….. a few months ago…. I was diagnosed as bi-polar” she said before leaning back and examining my reaction. RED FLAG 3
“oh, I thought everyone was bi-polar these days?!” I retorted trying to keep the tone of the conversation light hearted.
She went on to explain why she was like this and asked me if it was a problem. I said of course not and tried to change the subject as quickly as possible. However, inside I was thinking, two personalities ain’t shit, I’ve dealt with four in one girl in the past.
At this stage of the date my thought process is that the green flags are outnumbering the red so I needed to keep running the train. I had work the next day but it was still early enough to bounce.
As we came to the end of the second round I suggested wine at my place. She agreed straight away. GREEN FLAG 6
We walked towards my apartment which was a 4 minute walk and she said suddenly;
“you haven’t even asked me what I studied yet”
“Oh, ok, what did you study?”
“POLITICS, I love politics, I think people are sooooo under-educated when it comes to politics and it’s my job to inform them” She announced. RED FLAG 4
“Oh, well my mother told me it’s a very bad idea to speak about death, politics or religion on a first meeting with a girl” I retorted.
“Jeremy Corbyn is my absolute faaaaaavourite politician, he should be PM instead of those tory scum-bags”. RED FLAG 5
Inside I was thinking “just get her to the flat and get this over and done with”.
I decided to humour her and myself a little. “Let me guess, you’re not a fan of Trump either?” I responded.
“NOOOOO, he is a stupid, racist, sexist buffoon”. RED FLAG 6
“Oh what do you know, I live right here, let’s get out of the rain”. Thank fuck we had arrived at the door, saved by the logistics.
When I got her into my room I poured us some wine and strummed a few tunes on the guitar. She was mightily impressed and even sang along whilst recording herself on snap-chat. She got instant gratification from hundreds or chodes telling her how beautiful her voice was. She sounded like a drowning cat.
I lay beside her on the bed and started escalating. I told her I wanted to see the rest of her tattoos. She quickly pulled off her leggings to reveal pasty white legs covered in colourful ink. All she had on now was a thong and her skimpy little dress. GREEN FLAG 7
She then began snatching the frame and choosing lots of songs on YouTube that she just had to show me. After each one I’d escalate again but she wasn’t playing along. Eventually I went for it and got my finger inside her pussy. She enjoyed it for about three seconds before pushing my hand out and announcing “NO, I don’t have sex on the first date, it’s my thing”. RED FLAG 7
I didn’t believe her, it was getting late, i’d invested a lot in this crazy bitch in terms of time, effort and money.
“Reeeeally?!!” I responded.
“So YOU are telling ME that you have NEVER had sex on a first date????” I was pissed off and I didn’t try to hide it one little bit.
“No, despite appearances I am not an easy girl”.
“I’m sorry love, but I just don’t believe you”.
I sat there in silence for about 15 minutes as she watched her shitty videos. This wasn’t a strategic roll-off, I was furious.
I tried again a few minutes later and she resisted. I told her I had to be up for work in the morning so she should leave. I walked her back to the tube and on the way she had the cheek to say “I think as I get older I am becoming more asexual, it just doesn’t interest me that much anymore”. RED FLAG 8
In hindsight I don’t know how I didn’t lose my shit with this girl, maybe I felt sorry for her fucked up little head. Anyway, we’re still in touch on whatsapp so I may yet get the notch. Why is it only me who seems to find these gems?